Feats of a Joker Salesman
During my career in manufacturing, I spent 17 years with one corporation. I became acquainted with a fellow who was reliable in two ways. First, he was a superstar salesman who always achieved his targets. Second, he was the most talented practical joker I’ve ever met. His name was Karl.
Karl was a storyteller who was the subject of the stories he told. He gave me the nickname Two-Can Dan. He correctly observed my inability to handle alcohol. I later gave it up because Karl was right. This post will document three of Karl’s most socially unacceptable, funny acts.
Sexual Harassment Training
A common feature in larger companies is sexual harassment training. Our HR team conducted these trainings yearly. Required training for all employees. The day after one of these sessions is the setting for Karl story number one.
We had a long hallway at the front of our building. When I walked in the building, I had to walk down this hall to get to my cubicle. On this particular morning, I saw Karl walking toward me with a noticeable limp. When I reached him, I asked him what was wrong. Here’s what he said:
” I forgot to put on underwear this morning, Dan.” Then pulled up his pants, exposing the head of a dildo *that he had *strapped to his leg.
I thought it was funny and laughed. After I sat down at my desk, I laughed harder. How could he be so brazen, the day after sexual harassment training? He continued showing off his dildo for the rest of the day. Sporadic laughter in the halls and offices. Coffee machine discussions happened daily for weeks. Legend enhanced.
The Sales Meeting Speech
A couple of years after the dildo incident, I was negotiating to buy a distributor. The owner (Daryl) and I had been negotiating for weeks. This culminated on the day of his annual sales meeting. He would stay with the company, and all of his team would have jobs in the new combined company. The agreement happened late in the afternoon before his sales meeting. Daryl was emotional, but happy. He was going to pocket some cash, and his entire team would keep their jobs. His role was expanding to include running the combined sales teams.
That evening, I sat at a table with his corporate leadership and watched his speech. It was motivating! Near the end, it took a weird and uncharacteristic turn. Daryl began to cry as he announced he was selling the company, but that everyone would keep their jobs. He started into weepy, sentimental stuff. Daryl was not a sentimental fellow. Many of our salespeople attended this event. Karl was at a table in the back of the room.
The audience response to Darryl’s weepy ending was silence. This was so out of character that the crew didn’t know how to respond. This silence lasted a few seconds while everyone waited for Darryl to stop crying.
After Daryl stopped, Karl Stood up at the back of the room and said, *Sieg Heil, mein Herr! * Then gave a Nazi salute. Karl held that salute with a huge grin on his face for a couple more seconds. Everyone broke out in laughter, even Daryl. Karl strikes again. The legend expands.
Annual Review Incident
A couple of years later, I was working with Daryl in our corporate office. He was running the global sales team, and I was Director of Strategic Planning. Karl was in the office for his annual review with Daryl. He was being considered for a position as Director of Sales for North America. Despite his childish pranks, he was very good at getting orders. There was fear that if he didn’t get a promotion, he would leave. Daryl had been considering promoting Karl for weeks, but Karl’s tendency toward childish pranks was giving Daryl pause. Karl’s annual review didn’t go well. He was unhappy with his raise and Daryl questioning his ability to lead the sales team due to his sense of humor. He thought Daryl was being unfair.
This review happened in the morning. Karl was still in the office when Daryl, I, and the head of HR walked out of the building for the weekend. While we walked along the windows of the office, Karl stuck his bare ass out of a window. He yelled, * “ Kiss this” - while pointing at his bare-naked ass.
Of course, this was totally on brand for Karl. We all laughed, and Daryl said he would talk to him the following Monday. But wait, that wasn’t the end of this story. The following Monday, I got in the office first (as was my habit) and noticed a funky smell. I couldn’t place it, but I thought calling a plumber was in order because it smelled like a backed-up sewer pipe.
An hour later, the head of HR came into my office. He was livid. Karl *shit in his briefcase and put it into one of his desk drawers. *
We speculated that Karl committed the act after we left the office on Friday. When Daryl came into the office later that morning, the three of us discussed what to do about Karl. We also had a hard laugh about what he had done. It was funny and unacceptable. This delayed Karl’s promotion. A few years later, Karl became the COO of a company.
A different one.